A real eye-opener because it really explains why we are like we are. An excellent book for couples and also singles in demystifying attraction and empowering individuals for healing in the context of relationships. Very thought provoking but so easy to understand and put into practice.

Getting The Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
– Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.

“Enjoyed it immensely, I cried and laughed while I saw myself and my situations. I constantly buy more copies hoping that family and friends will enrich themselves with this view of relating with others we care for and love.”

“I am a therapist, and I use this book with many of the couples I see. I continue to buy this book because I have ‘loaned’ it to so many people!”

“Many adolescents would benefit from knowing this information early in their dating lives (but I wonder if it would be meaningful to readers without a painful history of mistakes behind them).”

“There are no words to describe the inner growth this book gives.”

“Couples will benefit from reading this book together. You’ll learn how to relate to each other and communicate better.”

“Promotes the idea that you have to work at your marriage to make it work!”

“I am not a self-help book devotee. That said, this book has revolutionized my relationship with my husband and taken it to a new level.”

“This book is great because it tells you in simple language things you would have never thought of about your partner and yourself and how they impact you today. Couples should read it together. There is so much to benefit from.”

“This book has changed my life and enriched it beyond belief. BUT... I recommend this book for only those seriously committed to REALLY wanting an honest, soul-fully deep relationship.”

“In the end we cannot badger our partner into changing or loving us. It is us who must change and in doing so we change the conduct of our partner. We need to understand both, but work on ourselves.”

“Visceral love has a lot to do with who we married, but mature love has as much to do with staying married. Dr Hendrix is terrific.”

“Awesome, awesome book!! I can’t say enough. Answers every question you ever had about a relationship. I would highly recommend this book to all couples, and to anyone who is interested in making a relationship work. Great!”

“What a relief to discover the unconscious reasons we choose the partner we do, and how to work through the inevitable conflicts that arise in the adult committed intimate partnership in today’s world.”

“This book is great! It really explains why we react the way we do and can really improve your relationship. It also has some great exercises for improving your relationship. A must read for anyone dedicated to their partner.”

reviews from Amazon.com

Originally published in 1988, Getting the Love You Want has helped millions of couples attain more loving, supportive, and deeply satisfying relationships.

With extensive revisions, a new chapter and new exercises, the 20th anniversary edition of this groundbreaking book enables a new generation of couples to share in the benefit from ongoing discoveries during the past two decades of relationship research.

When Harville Hendrix Ph.D. writes about relationships, he discusses them not just as an educator and a therapist, but as a man who has himself been through a failed marriage.

Investigating why his marriage dissolved led him to look into the psychology of love and such disciplines as behavioral sciences, depth psychology, cognitive therapy and Gestalt therapy. With his new spouse, Dr. Helen Lakelly Hunt, he created what is called Imago Relationship Therapy. Now practised by more than two thousand therapists worldwide, this is a process which transforms conflict into creative tension that deepens connection and renews passion.

At its centre is the author’s insight that many people go into a relationship with the unconscious – and unrealistic – expectation that the other person will heal them where they were hurt or neglected as children.

Unfortunately, most of these adult relationships tend to reopen rather than heal our childhood wounds. The results are disappointment, power struggles and battles, and ultimately the breakdown of relationships.

Hendrix and his wife, Dr. Helen Lakelly Hunt, say that the way out of this destructive cycle is a therapeutic approach that includes making a true, lifelong commitment, treating each other in a loving manner, learning how to communicate constructively and eliminating negativity from your relationship.

Getting the Love You Want is divided into three main sections:

  • The Unconscious Marriage: This details how our childhood experiences, self image and ideals of romantic love can combine to create an unstated power struggle between spouses. All too often the leftover desires and behavior of childhood interfere in destructive ways with the couple's current relationship.
  • The Conscious Marriage: This shows a marriage that fulfils childhood needs in a positive manner. The author describes how to begin with commitment, stop destructive exit patterns, creating a zone of safety, understanding yourself and your partner, how to begin real self growth and containing rage.
  • Relationship Therapy: The final part of the book offers a series of 16 detailed exercises for you and your partner to follow in order to learn how to replace confrontation and criticism with a healing process of mutual growth and support.

Getting the Love You Want is an extraordinary practical guide to resolving problems, enhancing communication, stopping self-defeating behavior, and achieving mutual emotional satisfaction. With Hendrix’s advice, the all-too-common marital power struggle can be gradually transformed into a mutually beneficial process of spiritual and emotional growth.

According to the author, his purpose in writing this book and updating it for a new generation is “to share with you what I have learned about the psychology of love relationships, and to help you transform your relationship into a lasting source of love and companionship.”

About the Authors

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., has more than thirty years of experience as an educator, public lecturer, and therapist. His work has been translated into more than fifty languages and Imago Therapy is practiced in thirty countries.
      Hendrix and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, are the co-creators of Imago Relationship Therapy. They have six children and live in New Jersey and New Mexico.